


Drinking Water Like Holy Wine

by morphogenesis



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood, Body Horror, Buddhism, Everyone Is Doing Their Best, F/M, Kid Fic, Language of Flowers, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Apocalypse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:29:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24446629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morphogenesis/pseuds/morphogenesis
Summary: Assiah and Gehenna are now one, and humanity is rebuilding from the ashes. Rin and Shiemi got sidetracked looking for Yukio; Suguro, Izumo, and Konekomaru are cursed; and nobody knows what Shima is anymore.This is how they live after the end of the world.
Relationships: Kamiki Izumo/Suguro "Bon" Ryuuji, Miwa Konekomaru & Shima Renzou, Moriyama Shiemi/Okumura Rin
Kudos: 21





	1. To The Stars, If You Really Want

**Author's Note:**

> SO I started writing this in 2018 for weekly prompts on the Beat The Black Dog community on LJ. I remember we were stuck in flashbacks at the time so a lot of this fic is speculation, or me making up things I didn't quite remember (and didn't remember where exactly to find the answer/the Wiki couldn't help me). Let's call it 'Canon Adjacent' more than 'Canon Compliant' and all have fun here. A lot of this fic is just that, me having fun and I hope you like it.
> 
> This chapter written for Challenge #127: Space. Chapter title from "Rocketeer" by Far East Movement.
> 
> ETA 1/4/21: Discontinued, sorry.

**I. Mint**

"Let's find the Garden of Amahara," Shiemi says, voice shaking, as she takes Rin's limp hand and follows his gaze over Ikebukuro, in flames. With her other hand, she's clutching the broken Koma Sword like a protection charm. Nee squeaks sadly and covers a bullet wound on Rin's upper arm with a mossy patch; blood pulses on and soaks it through. "Rin." She blinks rapidly but her eyes are dry. "Let's go."

Rin turns to her and rests his forehead on top of her head; his breaths shudder in and out and he smells like ash and rust.

*

Now that Gehenna and Assiah are one, nobody cares that Rin is the son of Satan; they see another exorcist. Ordinary people, Knights of the True Cross, and Illuminati alike welcome them as allies, feed and shelter them for the night, but don't try too hard to convince them to stay. Rin and Shiemi fight, borrow, and help their way north, then south, then west, then back again.

Nobody's seen Yukio Okumura yet. 

Nobody else is looking.

*

"I want to see Izumo and Konekomaru first," Shiemi admits. She feeds another stick to the fire, although Rin says his blue flames don't need any source of energy except for him. ('You have to sleep sometime,' she'd argued, and he huffed.) "They saved me from the Grigori. I just want to know they're okay." Everyone is always protecting her and Shiemi doesn't count her successes, just her abductions.

Rin bends his wrist and the fire undulates with his movements. "Izumo is in Inari with all of her foxes, and Suguro and Konekomaru are protecting Kyoto with Myodha." He smiles when the flames briefly form a spiral. "Shima is doing whatever he wants, and so is Takara." He closes his fist and the flames flicker down to embers before he releases it and they leap up. "Shura's gotta be kicking ass as we speak."

Shiemi giggles, nods, and scoots closer to him. The woods around are full of shadows and cries of various animals and demons; none of them dare come near the source of the strange blue fire. "Can you make the squid again?"

"It was Kuro!"

Kuro lifts his head at his name, sees Rin and Shiemi are only looking at each other, and goes back to sleep.

*

When they revisit Sendai, following a rumor that blue flames are flaring up all over the city, they look for Yuki, soothe a colony of disgruntled Hobgoblins and negotiate a truce between them and their terrified human neighbors, and find out that the permanent introduction of demons to their realm won't stop Sendai from holding its annual Pageant of Starlight.

They surge forward with the crowd, following a path of light-covered trees that's beautiful and overwhelming to look at. It's cold and her jacket is falling apart, so Shiemi holds on to his arm and knits herself close to his side because he's always warm. She points out the types of trees they pass; she can make out all of them even when they're covered in thousands of dizzying lights. 

They reach the end of one path and step into a quiet sitting area where there's a dozen pairs and nobody is looking at anyone else. Shiemi is still holding on to Rin when he leans heavily against her and says, "Do you think Yukio saw this already and went on ahead?"

"Yeah," she whispers. "He must have."

*

Snow covers Sendai the day after Christmas and keeps coming down, trapping them in the city for the forseeable future. They squat in an abandoned house they had to rid of Coal Tars and drag in a kerosene heater before it was comfortable enough. 

Shiemi and Nee are preparing herbs for New Year's porridge when Rin comes home carrying a bag of combini bentos and oolong tea. In the middle of complaining that he misses having a real kitchen, Shiemi turns her head and kisses his cheek without thinking.

They freeze, Rin's head tilted toward her as if expecting another kiss, and then he hides his face while Shiemi covers her eyes with one hand and Nee with the other.

*

Another city, another battle, another night of recovery.

Rin's stomach wound is bleeding and re-opening faster than he can heal, and Nee's plants and Shiemi's bandages don't help, so when he's groaning and trying to stagger to his feet for the fourth time that night, Shiemi gets up and retrieves the pocketknife from her jacket.

Without hesitation, she slits the fleshy part of her hand below the thumb and squeezes until beads of blood appear. She puts the wound to his mouth and he whimpers in protest but laps up her ichor. The daughter of Creation itself doesn't differentiate between human or demon; a few gulps of her blood will help anyone.

She pets his hair as he drinks until he's satiated and comfortable. His eyes close and his face relaxes and she kisses him between the eyes. She wipes his mouth with her fingers. "There you go," she whispers.

He sleeps easy and she lays down next to him and cuddles close.

"Where did you get that idea?" he mumbles in the morning. They're on their sides facing each other, like so long ago in Kyoto, and his face is so close she can focus on his eyes and not much else. It's cold enough to justify the contact, she thinks.

"I used it on Konekomaru once." She flexes the hand she cut but it doesn't hurt a bit. "Rin, will we still be friends if I'm not human?"

"Hey! We were friends before." Then there's a soft, curious pressure on her lips and Shiemi closes her eyes and smiles against his mouth.

*

Come July, it's been three years since Shiemi lead him by the hand away from Ikebukuro. They're nineteen and still sometimes stop to play with kids who've befriended smaller, mischievous demons.

In Aomori they stay at an inn where the old woman who runs it seems to remember Rin; she asks him where his 'young man' is, and he blinks rapidly before going, "My brother?" The old woman seems as perplexed as Rin but neither explain. She offers them Aomori apples though, which Rin peels and shapes into cute little bunnies and offers them to the young children staying with their parents in the next room over. He labors over the last apple, turning away when Shiemi tries to peek, until he whirls around to reveal he's carved her a blossom out of the fruit.

It's one of the many distractions he comes up with in Aomori. On the last day they walk to an old temple for a god he says he fought with Yuki and Miss Kirigakure. Like most temples, it looks frozen in time and like they shouldn't even whisper on its grounds.

"It sounds like and Yuki worked really well together," she offers, and Rin just looks at one crumbling corner of the roof, shakes his head, and says, "I wish he'd thought so."

*

That night she crawls into his bed. When she straddles him, he grabs her elbows and gently pulls her down on top of him. The combination of push and pull, hard and soft, and fabric and skin makes her hum with excitement instead of fear.

They only bump heads once; the rest of the night they show each other what feels good and forget that come tomorrow they'll be on the road again.

*

In October they're sitting under one tree in a row of them along the road, watching a dryad hassle a family picnic until the mother -- an older woman in an apron who looks like she's never even heard of Arias -- sends it away with an articulate ward.

"Do you think we should take a break?" Rin asks as he keeps watching the family. On his lap, Kuro yawns and fully extends his legs in his sleep; Rin scratches behind his ears. Maybe Rin's thinking about what he'd put in bentos for a day like today, maybe he's thinking about something hard and snarled up -- she can't tell by looking at him. It's unusual when she can't read Rin's face.

"We can look for the Garden another time," Shiemi says, pulling her knees up to her chest and wincing.

There's only one place they think of: Futsumaya. Mom abandoned it when the Gehenna-Assiah conflict peaked, but they still have the magic key to get there. It will take some work to repair, Shiemi thinks as she opens the door, but the garden will be back in no time --

Shiemi stops still when the only thing before them is razed, flat earth. The wind pulls at her clothes and hair. Nee whines sadly in her ear. A buzzing noise fills the air, and then a siren sounds as roots violently erupt from the dirt. The world is exploding as she tears it apart with new growth: wood splits the topsoil, vines choke the demons that emerge from underground, poisonous flowers and herbs and other plants bloom and a miasma of pollen spreads so thick she can see Rin and Kuro coughing as they try to beat back the disgruntled nest of demons that emerge from her forest.

This is her land, she thinks. She's Creation, and Shemihaza needed Emptiness before he could build the world, but why does it hurt so much? The world is hushed and the blood in her ears is so loud --

She coughs violently and doubles over, tasting blood and realizing her throat is raw because she was the screaming siren. She crouches down and covers her ears from the ripping and rending of uncontrolled growth before them.

"Shiemi! --have to --emi?"

There's a blast of heat before her, and when she opens her eyes her whole funeral garden is glowing sapphire. Rin's silhouetted by the fire as he stands before her, extending a hand and looking at her sadly when she refuses it. He sits beside her in the dirt and they watch her home burn down to the topsoil.

"It wouldn't stop," Rin says quietly when the only other sound is popping embers. "I couldn't get rid of the demons while everything was still growing."

Shiemi presses her forehead to her knees. She's sore and worn ragged from the inside out. "We can't stay here." She's crying and she hates that she's backsliding like this. She'd just stopped weeping whenever the wind changed directions and now she's back here.

"...Yeah. The Garden of Amahara isn't here." When they leave he holds her hand and leads the way.

*

When they can't find a home they make one. It's a cabin set high enough into the mountains that someone would have to really search to find them, but not so remote they can't get to civilization if they need it. Shiemi cultivates a lot of hardy plants that can withstand rocky topsoil and starts making and selling medicines made of them. Rin and Kuro trek down the mountain every day to the town at its base; Rin's finally found total acceptance as an anonymous line cook and Kuro enjoys the treats passing children stuff him with throughout the day.

Some nights they build a fire just to sit and talk around it, like they did when they were traveling. Rin rests with his head in her lap and sometimes he feels well enough to talk about what it'll be like when Yuki sees their place.

Shiemi dryswallows when he does and pushes down the intrusive thought that something is off-kilter in their picture; she's afraid to admit it's her.

She is Creation. She feels new life inside her.

*

Shiemi thinks she's hiding it well.

Nee feeds her a steady supply of ginger and she rinses her mouth out with water before she goes to kiss Rin. She pulls her kimono tight against her chest and resorts to a pin when it won't fully close. She just feels chubby and like she overate, even though she eats the same edible flowers and plants Rin does, but the fact is she's way beyond "late."

'Oh no,' she thinks. 'It's not fair.' To her, to him, to Kuro, to Yuki, most of all to their baby.

Bonito flakes are the reason she gives up the ruse. Rin goes to brush her hair off her face one night and his hands smell faintly of them from his job; Shiemi jerks her head away but gags and throws up in her mouth.

Rin blots her mouth and looks puzzled and grossed out simultaneously. "Are you sick?"

"No." She covers her mouth and tastes bile again. She swallows it long enough to get out, "But I'm pregnant."

**II. Four-Leaf Clover**

The day his daughter's born, Rin searches her eyes until he's satisfied no blue flames smolder in them. That's no guarantee she'll pass for human forever, but she's also part Shiemi, the last daughter of Shemihaza, and he hopes their baby will possess that gentle, life-giving strength. That she'll be happy and safe and free.

They name her Midori, for greenery, and she grows quick as her namesake. Blessedly, she appears completely powerless. Not that she doesn't try to copy Nee when he sprouts plants of all kinds, or Rin when he wills a flickering blue flame to his palm to make shadow puppets for her.

Watching her grin and giggle as he makes Kuro and foxes and flowers and even a kraken, he marvels that she's the first person who's seen his fire and wasn't immediately terrified of him. 

When Midori is four, she asks him why they don't move off the mountain? Why do they avoid people except for work and their once-a-month shopping trip?

"Just be patient," he says and realizes he sounds just like his old man. Whenever Rin would throw a tantrum because Yukio got to pick the first slice of birthday cake or took a turn on the swing before him, their old man would tell him that, and when that inevitably didn't work he'd lift him up, shut them in the twins' bedroom, and make Rin recite the Lord's Prayer until he was so bored he couldn't remember why he was angry. For the umpteenth time, Rin's glad Midori is so different from him.

"Let's go tomorow," Midori pleads.

"You gotta get a bit bigger." He lifts her under the arms and tosses her up in the air before catching her and making her giggle. "When I can't do that anymore, you'll be big enough. We'll go all over the world then."

*

Rin hasn't given up on Yukio. Somewhere he's alive, but either can't or won't come back to them. Rin knows he did his best and wore his feet to the bone trying to find him. He and Shiemi covered vast distances but they won't go any farther, not for lack of love but because of love.

Everyone who needs to find him knows where he is; Yukio knows all of these people. Yukio can see the signal fire Rin makes some nights, when he can't sleep and remembers that when they were kids they had a blue nightlight because Yukio was terrified of the dark.

Rin's waiting, but in the meantime his own life goes on. He finally saved enough money to buy Shiemi a proper ring last year. The roof is leaking and he needs to find the time to fix that. Last night Midori crawled into his lap and demanded he listen while she read to him.

Tonight, Rin lets the fire build slowly, smiles at the memory of Midori, and says out loud, "You'll like it here, Yukio. So hurry up."


	2. Hi Fu Mi Norito

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important to note: This fic's timeline jumps aaalllll over the place. After research, any errors in portraying Suguro's Buddhist practices are my own. This story has about five more installments to upload before I'm caught up, I may do all of them this week. Written for Challenge #128: Simple.

**I. Pine**

When Izumo is ten, she swears she'll never be dumb enough to fall in love. One time when Mom won't shut up about Soji, Izumo announces she'll never get a boyfriend and Mom wails, "Waaahhhh Izumo, you don't understand -- everyone needs someone!"

"Not me," Izumo retorts, glaring with all the stubbornness she has, and continues stirring egg into hot rice for Tsukumo's breakfast. "All that matters is that the Kamiki line continues," she adds bitterly. "I don't need anyone after that."

When Izumo is seventeen, she doesn't have a boyfriend and she doesn't have a mother and sister either. She has Uke and Mike who, when she returns to Inari for the first time in two years, run to her side and incline their heads so she can stroke them. She smiles at them and for a moment she's in the past, clapping her hands together and vowing to Mom she'll come home -- and she raises her head to her destroyed house.

"Welome back," Uke and Mike say with reverence they reserve for a Tamamo priestess. "What do you require of us?"

Izumo looks at the charred and broken skeleton that used to be her home with Tsukumo, the home that survived Nine Tails' rampage and the sea change of Gehenna and Assiah's melding, and she sets her jaw and clenches her fists. "I need a carpenter."

Izumo is twenty before the house is fully habitable. She plows through new conflicts and constant construction setbacks to build her sanctuary, and though her friends help when they can, for the most part she is alone. This suits her, except when the cosmic strings the Sool tied around each of her fingers tug sharply in one direction and she thinks of the person it represents. The left index for Paku, the right for Suguro, the left middle for Shiemi, and ones for Okumura, Miwa, their teacher, Shima, and Tsukumo. When it happens it feels like someone is pulling her forward by her veins; it can be so painful she falls to her knees.

Her loved ones and the Cram School class are all on their own paths, but not alone because of her, Suguro, and Miwa's sacrifices. Before they did, the Sool said something privately to each exorcist; to Izumo they said _Trust that you are needed, and you need others._

She still doesn't know if she can.

*

In the end, it came down to her, Suguro, and Miwa to save the world. Lightning handed them a skeleton key for space and time, waved and said, "You've got this!" before disappearing to chase his own plans. (Suguro rubbed his temples and apologized for his master but swore he meant well.) When Okumura chased after his idiot brother, Shiemi followed him into the smoke, and Suguro and Miwa had grabbed each of Izumo's arms and kept her from chasing Shiemi.

"Let go of me, damn it! I didn't save her to let her die again!"

"Everything dies if we don't go to the Sool!" Suguro yelled, overlapping with Miwa's "Please, Kamiki!"

Izumo stomped on Suguro's foot and broke free to turn on them both. "She saved your life!" she yelled at Miwa, and when he looked at the ground the scar on his crown looked red and angry still. "Do it yourself," she said to Suguro. "You always wanted to anyway."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"All of this happened because you didn't open your mouth sooner! You went along with that sociopath and didn't tell anyone what you knew until it was too late." She shook. "The Illuminati never would've taken our teacher, Okumura would still be human, the Grigori wouldn't take Shiemi --" She leaned forward and glared at him and his disbelieving yet furious face. "You said you'd kill Shima and instead you forgave him!"

"You did too!" Suguro sounded pierced through and spittle flew from his mouth when he yelled back. His eyes narrowed with fear and guilt.

"And I'll at least admit I was stupid to do it!" Miwa tried to get in between them, and she shoved him away; Suguro grabbed her forearm and she kicked him hard in the shin and drew a magic circle from her collar. "I humbly beseech thee--"

"Stop!" Something slapped her sharply on the wrist and she yelped and clutched her hand. Miwa held up the prayer beads he'd hit her with and looked stunned he himself did that. "I-I'm sorry! But you both need to stop."

"Why, because we're supposed to be friends?" Suguro said.

"No!" Miwa's eyes watered. "We're the only ones left from the Cram School, this is our mission, and we have to see it through. We --" He choked and wiped his eyes quickly. "We're the only ones left. Don't fight right now." He started to cry quietly even as he covered his mouth.

Izumo froze, both ashamed and disbelieving that Miwa broke his composure, and Suguro reached over and put a hand on Miwa's shoulder. "Sorry Konekomaru," he said gently. "You're not wrong." His face was still red and tight when he nodded to Izumo. "Let's just go. Moriyama made her choice." He walked forward to the door to the Sool, and Miwa and Izumo stood in place for a moment and stared at his back.

"...You called her Shiemi just now," Miwa said, looking at Izumo askance.

"So what if I did?" Izumo said, looking at the red mark on her wrist and the magic circle she almost used on Suguro. She thought about what Paku would say if she knew, and how Shiemi would look at her and probably start crying and --

Izumo swallowed, shook her head, and followed Suguro.

*

Izumo and Suguro, understandably, don't talk anymore. They tied their lifelines to each other and swore they'd protect this new world together, and they let their relationship fade like sala blossoms.

The last time they really spoke was right after the Sool ended the battle between humans and demons for good, healed the land, and left the two worlds to reconcile on their own. "Do you really think this is my fault?" Suguro asked her during the calm after the storm when he, Miwa, and Izumo were sitting on the balcony of what was a classroom on the True Cross campus. Miwa was unconscious laid with his head in Suguro's lap and Suguro had an arm over his chest.

Izumo wanted to ask him where was he when Shiemi was taken by the Grigori, and she and Miwa rescued her and Miwa died before Shiemi revived him. Izumo watched Miwa worry more about "Bon" than himself afterward. She wanted to say that they needed him more than they needed a magic key or intricate spells. That he was smart and headstrong and brave and one of her friends and he'd just left them before everything went wrong. "No," she admitted. "But I wish you'd admit you messed up, too."

"Back at ya," he sighed, and carried Miwa back inside. The two left for Kyoto the next day and she for Inari.

Izumo sees Paku and Okumura and Shiemi the most out of her school friends -- and the latter two spent the last three years traveling all over the country and have since settled in the middle of nowhere and had a baby. When Shiemi lets herself in one day, Midori grunting and growling in a carrier on Shiemi's back, Izumo hugs her and calls her an idiot for not coming sooner.

They drink tea and watch Midori scoot along the floor on her belly. Izumo remembers Tsukumo suddenly and how she took her first steps when Mom wasn't home and Mom cried about it and begged Izumo to reassure her she was a good mom. Tsukumo always toddled to Izumo before Mom; Midori crawls unsteadily toward Shiemi and Shiemi claps, beams, and encourages her to go just a little further.

"Are you lonely, Izumo?" Shiemi asks once they're alone; Midori's asleep with Uke stationed to watch over her while Shiemi and Izumo eat a late dinner. "Should we come more often?"

"Huh? I'm fine." Izumo shoves a chunk of lotus root in her mouth to stall for time. Shiemi watches her, skepticism plain on her face. "I'm happiest when I'm by myself."

"I know," Shiemi says, "but you should still come to the Cram School reunion."

Oh. "Did Okumura tell you to come here to nag me?"

"No, I wanted to." Shiemi frowns at her and sets her chopsticks down. She leans forward and tugs on Izumo's earlobe before Izumo can back off. It's annoying as hell yet adorable that Shiemi thinks that's the worst she can do when Izumo knows very well what violence Shiemi is capable of. "Nori told me you don't leave here anymore. She always calls you first and you won't visit her. You'd never do that to Nori unless something was wrong -- so what is it Izumo?"

Izumo's left middle finger is burning, a reminder that Shiemi and she are tied inextricably. Izumo takes Shiemi's hand and says, "I just want to be alone right now."

Shiemi puts her free hand over their clasped ones and squeezes. "Promise me you'll come anyway. Rin and Konekomaru and Suguro really miss you."

"Suguro?"

Shiemi blinks. "He asked about you last time he wrote." Of course Suguro still writes letters like an old man. "Nori's invited too and I'll make her tie you up and put you on the plane."

Izumo laughs. "She couldn't beat you in an arm wrestling match -- if both your arms were broken."

Shiemi suddenly bends Izumo's arm and Izumo gasps and pushes back until Shiemi pins her hand and grins. "See? We can do all kinds of stuff for people we care about."

*

Izumo ends up in Kyoto for the reunion because she lost three more arm wrestling matches to Shiemi. Toraya hasn't changed, she thinks as she enters the inn, and it's comforting until the first person she notices is Suguro. He's looking at her over his shoulder in suprise before he turns to her and gives an awkward greeting.

"Hi," she mutters before brushing past him to talk to Miwa, who's currently trapped by Midori hugging his leg. Before she can help, Okumura notices her and puts her in a headlock for a hug and she struggles to get out of the moron's grip. The Okumura family has no idea what boundaries are, she grouses.

There's a heavy atmosphere at first as if everyone's thinking about how the whole class isn't here, but dinner and Midori-watching are good icebreakers. Izumo manages to avoid Suguro most of the time, except when he offers her something else to eat or drink or tries awkwardly to involve her in some anecdote from their school days. Paku pinches her when Izumo stonily ignores him, and Izumo keeps it up.

The group disperses after dinner to drag themselves through their separate nighttime routines; twenty feels too old to get exhausted from traveling but it seems Izumo is wrong about a lot of things this year. She's brushing her hair before braiding it for the night when Paku sits behind her and starts rubbing her shoulders. She does that when she's about to say something Izumo won't like. "Why not just say you're sorry?"

"I'm not sorry," Izumo snaps and twists away from her touch. "He should apologize first."

"Izumo." Paku doesn't touch her again but she doesn't move away. "Just do it for you so you'll stop feeling sorry for yourself."

"I don't," Izumo says softly to her own reflection in the mirror before her. "I just...want to be left alone." In the past three years, she's repeated that more than she has prayers to Inari. She's clenching one fist and gripping the hairbrush with the other. All alone. Like before. That's easiest.

They go to bed without talking further but Izumo can't sleep; her right index finger is hurting like it's broken. She runs cold water over it in the bathroom, hisses and rubs it, and finally shuffles down the hall and into the courtyard where it leads her to Suguro sitting on the veranda.

"Hey," she says to get it out of the way. She sits as far away from him as she can while still being in earshot. "So uh...Miwa said you put off coming back to Myodha again."

Suguro leans back on his arms in an affected casual gesture. Izumo's familiar with the ways to look collected while you're still boiling inside. "Yeah. Still more to learn from my master." His leg bounces like a a rubber ball. "It's like you said once. Sometimes you gotta give up everything to get what you want."

"I said 'lose everything.'" She remembers that conversation suddenly, on the balcony overlooking the classroom. He said he liked her better after that and they sputtered at each other about whether that was a compliment.

"Semantics." It's dark but she can imagine his expression from the soft way he speaks. "It's good to see you."

"...I guess so?"

"Thanks."

Izumo digs her fingers into her hair, pulling the taut strands loose. "This is painful. Can we yell at each other instead?"

Suguro chuckles, agrees, and they're off. It devolves into:

"You never called!"

" _You_ never called! You can't complain when you didn't try!"

"Why? You said I'm the reason the world almost ended!"

"I said I didn't mean it!"

"But you acted like it! It's the same thing."

"Well --" Izumo stops suddenly when her finger jabs his cheek. In their argument, they've moved closer and closer together until they're in each other's faces like they're teens again. "You didn't -- We --" They freeze in the same space until she crawls backwards away from him. "We were alone," she says quietly. "I was upset. I'm sorry." The invisible thread binds her to him like a steel cable, a knotted rope, a silk scarf. It was foolish to think they could throw each other away after their deal with the Sool, and more importantly after what they went through when they were kids. 

But it's not real unless they let each other back in.

"I'm sorry too," Suguro says like he's telling her a decades-kept secret.

*

Everyone seems pleasantly surprised to see they're tentatively getting along the next day. They better, as a siren that morning announces another swarm of demons is moving through the streets, and just like when they were Exwires they rush to minimize the damage. Shiemi and Izumo are the last to leave because Shiemi is hurriedly telling Paku how to care for Midori and that she'll call when everything's settled, then gives Paku the key that lets her travel through space easy as swimming across a pool.

"Mama's coming back soon," she says to Midori and kisses her head before Paku leaves with her to hide in the Okumura family home miles and miles away.

Shiemi and Izumo do crowd work -- herding people away from the commotion and protecting the stragglers from harm. Uke and Mike dash through the crowd, snapping their jaws at demons chasing humans, because the commotion is so great Izumo can't find a breath to utter a ward. She's crouching behind a stand of Japanese rowan Shiemi and Nee built when she opens her mouth to chant and instead screams as a blunt searing pain rends her ribs. It's so great she collapses and her vision goes black.

She wakes up back at the inn with Shiemi kneeling by her side and Okumura sitting next to her. She's listing to one side and finally Izumo realizes she's fallen asleep sitting up when Okumura puts his arm around her and pulls her against his chest. 

"Oh hey Izumo!"

Izumo tries to reply but just moans. When she rolls onto her side she hits the massive sore spot and hisses, curling up.

"Don't force yourself," Okumura says and gently rolls her back into a more comfortable position, rubbing her arm until she untenses. It still feels like a wooden post was shoved straight through her but she doesn't feel any bandages or open wounds. "Shiemi said you need to stay put."

Izumo can't argue with that, as she clutches her side again until she gasps she needs water. Okumura lowers Shiemi to doze on the tatami so he can lift Izumo's head with one hand and tilt the glass to her lips with the other. He even reflexively wipes her chin when some spills down it; Izumo never thought someday Okumura would be the mother of the Cram School group, but it's obvious now.

"Let me see..." he says as he tugs her shirt up just enough to see the damage. When Izumo tilts her head she can see a tree stump-size bruise that disappears under her shirt hem and waistband of her pajama pants. "It doesn't look like you're bleeding internally, and no bones are broken, so what the hell happened?"

"Give me your healing factor," Izumo hisses when he brushes it accidentally.

"I would if I could." He points to the same spot on his own side. "Did you get thrown through a wall like me?" He stretches like he has a sore back, which an injury like that might as well be to him.

Izumo starts -- crying out as her side punishes her by spasming -- and the reality of her vow hits her for the first time.

 _Let them live,_ she'd plead with the Sool alongside Suguro and Miwa. _Tie my life to theirs._

She's human. A human body can't endure being yanked in eight different directions, sharing its life with all persons equally and leaving only a sliver for itself.

Miwa's died once. Maybe she should ask him what it's like. Does it hurt? Do you realize it's happening? Are you afraid or do you accept it? He just seemed confused when he woke up with Shiemi's blood on his mouth and Shiemi discretely wrapping a handkerchief around her wrist.

"Did Shiemi give me her blood?" Izumo rasps. "Like she did for Miwa," she clarifies when Okumura doesn't answer. There's no way he doesn't know what Izumo's referring to.

"Yeah."

"Did it do anything?"

Okumura's hand moves to Shiemi's hip and tenses on it. "No."

*

Izumo's the last person to leave Toraya, because it takes her days to feel well enough to walk around again. Paku leaves a day before her when Izumo says she'll be fine and for Paku to get back to her fiancee already.

Before Miwa left for some business, black eye and bruised ribs and all, he nodded to Izumo imperceptibly when the others asked if they'd be alright; she said of course and grit her teeth in a smile. ( _How can they enjoy their lives if they know?_ he reasoned when he, Suguro, and Izumo debated if they'd ever tell the others the whole truth of their meeting with the Sool.) 

Izumo sways down the hall on her last day, nods to Suguro's mother when she offers her a cup of tea and a snack before her flight. Suguro hasn't appeared by the time her plate's clear and cup's empty. Izumo's fingers don't prickle but she's antsy all the same. "Where is he?"

He's on the veranda like the first night and he doesn't acknowledge her at first, lost in thought. She sits right next to him and whispers, "How are we still alive?"

"I think the only reason is because the burden was split between three people." He tries to close his fist but it comes undone before the fingers meet. His breathing is labored like it hurts to sit upright. "I'm trying to figure out what happens now."

"Shiemi's blood didn't do anything."

Suguro shakes his head and waves her off like he used to when she'd stumble over a verse in their Aria course. "Of course she wouldn't be stronger than the Emperor of Emptiness--"

"I'm trying to help, you jackass!" she snaps, and holds her side from the effort.

"You are being helpful," Suguro says. "You understand what this is like." When he puts his hand on her arm Izumo doesn't know how to react. "I'm looking for a way out of this that doesn't hurt the others. I'm gonna save you and Konekomaru, so don't worry." He swallows. "Even if it takes my life."

Izumo pushes his hand off of her and offers her right one to him palm up. "Your life is on this hand too. Don't talk about throwing it away." When Suguro puts his hand over hers she holds it like it's natural. _Stay here,_ she thinks. _A little bit longer. Then a little more. And then I can handle being alone again._

**II. Sala**

When he thinks about his premature death, Ryuji takes comfort in impermanence. His life is transient and fleeting, so his death is inevitable, natural, and not to be feared. Whether he's hit with an annoying injury like a nosebleed or collapses and wakes up a day later, he thinks about the color of the sala flowers and how they'll disappear faster than he will.

He's not afraid for himself. When he thinks about Konekomaru and Kamiki suffering, he's terrified.

*

Kamiki is sitting in the heat in a tanktop and loose shorts, fanning herself with a large paper fan she refuses to share, when Ryuji looks at her and casually thinks that he's glad he knows her.

He visits Inari a lot since their reunion in Kyoto last year; Kamiki wasn't wrong when she compared her home shrine to a hot spring in terms of rejuvenation. Something about living on sacred ground slows their bodies' burnout, which she says is part of the reason she's locked herself in here and shut the gate. 

"What's the other reason?" he asks her, stretching his arms above his head and arching his back off the floor trying to crack it. His ribs only just healed from being bruised again but he's so used to being in pain that the risk of re-injury doesn't scare him.

"It's an excellent place to hide the bodies." She switches hands and continues fanning herself; after an age of waiting for her to offer, he gets up to make them both iced tea. His thoughts are background noise as he goes through the motions: How long until their hands don't work -- the ice cubes clink against the pitcher -- how long until their skin necrotizes -- he can smoothly pour it without spilling for now -- what happens to the others when one dies? 

"Here," he says and thrusts a sweating glass at her.

*

"Am I running a hotel?" Kamiki asks when she returns home and finds Ryuji already settled in for another visit. He's scattered his texts across the floor of the main living space and types on his laptop without pause.

"Your familiars didn't kick me out and this place is better for work than my master's."

Kamiki sits down among the books and papers and tilts her head to read the spine of a volume thick as her thigh. "'Morphogenesis in Mature Organisms Exhibiting...'" She trails off in a muddle of English phonemes. "Hey, how's this one related?"

Ryuji explains it succintly as he can and she shrugs and says he's the boss; he'll take it.

"So I guess your master still won't help us?"

"Oh, he thinks this is hilarious," Ryuji says, "but he's helping in his own way. He says Azazel might be able to help us if he can get through to him."

"How, with more human experiments?"

"No!"

"Good," she says and rearranges herself so she's not sitting on a volume about modern experiments with alchemy. "I'd say no if it was."

"No human experiments." He cracks his knuckles and gets back to typing. "I'm working as fast as I can here."

"Suguro," she says tiredly, and repeats herself when he doesn't look up. His hands go cold when he sees: she's pulled her sleeve up to reveal dark red streaks that go all the way up her arm. Blood poisoning symptom. "It's not the real illness, it just looks like it. But it came out of nowhere the other day. This is what we're dealing with now."

"Why are you showing me this?"

"To tell you it's okay if you don't make it; I'm used to this."

He glares at her arm, then meets her eyes and swears, "I'm definitely going to make it."

*

The last quarter of the year is a poisoned season for them and all their friends. It was the beginning of their end and by the time spring came they were exhausted and had another year of hell to go. This year it's quiet and gray and Ryuji hates it, even when he crosses the border into Inari and his body instantly lightens. It's like the land itself holds him up when he barely can.

Kamiki looks like he does these days -- perpetually exhausted and determined to spite their bodies, the Sool, and the threads that constantly pull at them lately. Her twenty-second birthday approaches and without discussion they just assume he'll be there for it.

They sleep a lot, often through the day and stay up all night. She's started helping him with his research, reading texts out loud to him while he double-checks his data to see if he's missed anything that could make a difference. Ryuji clenches his jaw and reminds himself he can find the elixir of life without hurting anyone else, that he bargained with higher beings once and he can do it again.

He faints one night while making dinner with her and when he wakes up it's dark except for a candle in the room and she's leaning over him to feel his pulse. "It's weaker, Suguro," she murmurs, and he shakes his head. "Yes, you do need to rest. So stay put."

Her birthday comes and goes. Winter comes. He's still with Kamiki, having work sent to him and returning it when he can. One night in the bath he looks down and sees a mark the flushed pink color and shape of a sala flower has bloomed over his breastbone. He tries to remember the related lines from _Heike_ , from the Humane King Sutra, but his thoughts scatter like those flowers in the wind.

When he bumps into Kamiki on his way out, he notices the same mark covering her collarbone.

He has a dream about traversing the Eight Cold Narakas and watching his skin blister, his limbs freeze, his teeth chatter, and then his body shivering and splitting open in the freezing purgatory.

*

"Of course it's not okay!" Kamiki exclaims. "I don't want to die, but I can't just sit here and feel sorry for myself either!" She waves her arm over the small library that used to be her living room. "So cut this out! Just live your life, Suguro." She sags and then slowly sinks to the floor. She holds herself and one of her foxes comes to her side. "You look so pathetic," she says without an ounce of meaning it. "...Aren't you going to say anything?"

He holds up his left hand. "Your life's on this hand."

"I didn't know what I was talking about when I said that."

He drags himself to her side and sits close enough so they touch, but he can't look at her. "That's not the only reason I care about this," is all he says, and she shakes her head at him.

"My mom said 'Everyone needs someone.' Look where it got her." She lifts her head, scrutinizes him, and leans forward so suddenly he turns his away so their cheeks brush instead. He cups her other cheek and presses his face to hers until they feel warm again. "Suguro."

"Kamiki."

"Have we ever called each other by name?" Her cheek is hot and he's glad she hasn't pulled away yet.

"No, why would we?"

"Because..." She scoffs and shakes her head. "Why would we?"

When they break apart they can't look at each other and he excuses himself so fast he upsets a pile of books on his way to his bedroom. 

In bed, he stares at the ceiling and thinks, _We won't be like the sala flowers. She's the only Kamiki left to tend this shrine. I need to go back to Myodha. Konekomaru is a great monk and someday he'll be a great priest. This isn't how we'll die._

Kamiki wants to say his name. It's the one simple word he needs to hear, more powerful than any sutra he repeats while he clings to impermanence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this before Izumo called him "Ryuji" in the manga (which Sent Me btw).


	3. Ritual of Consecrated Fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For #129: Conniving.

**I. Azalea**

Konekomaru has three appointments spread over three days and three distant locations in Japan. 

The first is with Rin and Shiemi, and when he uses his magic key and walks through their front door the first thing he notices is the strong mingling scents of plants, medicines, and spices with which they built their life together. Shiemi and Midori are at the large table Konekomaru and Bon helped make when they visited the first time. (It's only a little tilted and if nobody puts round items at one end they won't roll the length of the table, fall, and smash on the floor.) Her back is to him and she's waving a finger at her daughter, who's turned herself around in her seat and is pouting fiercely.

"Don't ever grab a knife by the blade," Shiemi scolds, and Midori huffs and crosses her little arms tighter.

Konekomaru steps back to avoid interfering, but he smacks his heel against the doorframe and gasps loud enough that the other two notice him.

"Konekomaru!" Shiemi says with a mixture of happiness and harried energy unique to parents. Midori copies her, hops out of her chair, runs to hug him -- and headbutts him in the stomach in her rush. Shiemi cries his name again when he falls to his knees; Midori pats his head.

When he can feel his abdominal muscles again, Shiemi seats him at a low table in their sunroom, where she grows plants that need special care or are too fragile for her gardens. It's the largest room of their house, bright green, and sun dappled. Konekomaru cannot relax while he sits surrounded by its beauty.

Midori enters, bearing a tray that's so big her arms shake as she carries it. She plops it on the table and jumps when a glass rocks and iced tea sloshes onto the table. 

"It's okay," Konekomaru tells her as he wipes it off, and smiles as she conscientiously puts a slice of watermelon on a plate and hands it to him like it's a porcelain vase. "Thank you."

"I wanted cookies," she says before taking a bite of watermelon, and then with her mouth full goes on, "but Mama can't make them and Papa's too busy with work to help me."

"This is delicious."

"I wanted cookies," Midori repeats, but licks watermelon juice off her thumb. There's a green stain on her forearm even though Shiemi made her wash up before their afternoon snack and her jaw-length brown hair has fluffed up from the humidity. She's thin and short but strong; a young plant that could become anything from a peony to a cedar tree. Konekomaru wants to ruffle her hair but the last time he tried that she was three years old and she bit him; he doesn't think she's changed much in two years.

"Midori?"

"Huh?"

"I have a present for you." He hands her a package of pale green paper and dark green ribbon and watches her glance at him before tearing into it, using her teeth to pull the ribbon out of its knot, and the mala beads inside slide out of the torn paper and clatter on the table. 

"Aunt Izumo has ones like these," Midori informs him, before picking them up and grinding them between her palms with a serious expression and a growl that reminds him of Bon. She opens one eye and says, "I'm Uncle Suguro," she says as if he's not appreciating her performance enough.

Konekomaru chuckles. "I can tell -- you look very grown up like that."

"Can you teach me another mantra?" 

Konekomaru points to his right arm, which is limp as it's been since the day pain seared away all its' function. "You have to count the beads yourself, but I can."

She's so serious all of a sudden, so eager to please him that he hopes she never grows up. She hangs on to his side all afternoon and into the evening, even nodding off on him until she hears the front door open and scampers across the floor to throw herself into Rin's open arms. Konekomaru watches them play fight until Rin ensnares her, biting her ear with an exagerrated snarl. Yes, Konekomaru thinks as Midori laughs and claws at Rin's neck in vain, he's seen enough here.

He wants this to be his last memory of the Okumura family.

*

In Inari, Kamiki and Bon are getting by. Kamiki seems irritable from the moment he arrives, but Konekomaru's known her long enough to tell the difference between her genuine anger and her embarrassment. She doesn't like anyone to see her as she is now -- covered in bruises, thin, short of breath, and shivering in July. Her heart is weak but she drags herself onward like she always does, finding the strength to kick a pile of books aside and shout "Suguro!" until Bon wakes up from his spot on the floor.

"I was awake," he mumbles, and when his leg reflexively twitches he stubs his toe on a large hardbound volume. He startles when he sees Konekomaru. "Oh, Koneko." He squints; one eye is completely blind now and judging by the way Bon scrutinizes him for a moment too long, the other is following. When they go through the motions of hosting, making snacks and clearing away the clutter, Kamiki surreptitiously works around his blind spot and Bon takes a pitcher from her hands before she can drop it.

Whenever Kamiki gestures, mala beads dangle from her delicate wrist. 

He tells them he has no business, he's just missed them, and they sit outside and play cards in the sunlight. "Watch her shuffle -- she cheats," Bon insists.

"You lost three days ago -- get over it," Kamiki says.

So soon, they both ask when he goes to leave before night falls. He holds up a hand and apologizes. "I have a late flight."

*

Konekomaru doesn't drink, so he's glad his guest didn't want to meet at a bar. They sit across from each other at a table in the True Cross Academy library, and the familiar sight warped by the missing ceiling, stink of mildew and mold, and a huddle of dead Ghouls behind one shelf makes him nostalgic and sick.

Bon's master, the infamous Lightning, bites into an onion ring before shoving the rest in his mouth, chewing and gulping it down and wiping his greasy fingers on his cloak. "So, what can we do for each other?" He grabs another onion ring and chomps on it, scattering crumbs across the tabletop, before Konekomaru can answer. (Konekomaru trusts Bon's judgment when it comes to his choice in masters. Really.)

"I need to find my friend -- Renzo Shima?"

Mouth still full, Lightning snaps his fingers and says, "Oh, him. I'd bet the Illuminati killed him when they found out about the Sylph bell." He moans and swallows his bite. "So I can help you find him, just not in one piece."

Under the table, Konekomaru squeezes his knee and forces himself to sit straight in his chair. "Even if that's the case, I need him." A long time ago, he promised Shima that they were still friends and Konekomaru would gather his bones after he died a cool and heroic death. He doesn't know if Lightning's right and Shima left the cycle of reincarnation and took Yamantaka with him; which is why Juzo's youngest son, born last winter, hasn't inherited the familiar.

Konekomaru only knows that Bon and Kamiki are convalescing in Inari again, they're getting sicker by the day, and that of the three people who could find any sample of the elixir of life, Lightning's refused, Sensei is missing, and Shima was his friend once upon a time.

When he lost the use of his right arm, it finally sunk in for Konekomaru that he was going to die; he won't do it without being able to say he did everything he could for all of his friends. "I promise I'll tell you where you can find Shemihaza's daughter." He raises his left fist; clenched tightly within it is the key to the Okumura family home. "It's yours, for Shima."

Lightning pauses mid-bite. "Just like that?" he says around his food.

"Yes." Konekomaru taps a raised, faded scar on his crown from where the Grigori cut him down; proof Shiemi can raise the dead. "She's as strong as you need." In his mind he's repeating a mantra where every syllable is _I'm sorry._ The feeling in his right arm is numb and he no longer feels the thread that connects him and Shiemi.

He won't deserve to be a monk after this. Rin will kill him when he finds him. Bon and Kamiki will hate him if they ever find out.

"We have a deal," Lightning says, and smears oil on Konekomaru's fingers when he takes the key. 

*

After tying on the threads but before returning Konekomaru home, The Emperor of Emptiness spoke to him: _Wishes protect no one; only action does._


	4. Let Me Be Weak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used [this translation of The Heart Sutra](https://www2.kenyon.edu/Depts/Religion/Fac/Adler/Reln360/chants-precepts.htm#Heart%20Sutra). Title from Kate Bush's "And Dream of Sheep." Written for Challenge #130: Book.

**I. Mint**

Shiemi runs into the smoke after Rin and Yuki; her vision narrows to their silhouettes growing smaller as they get farther away from her. Inside the remains of the Illuminati laboratory, it's dark and searingly hot but too quiet; when she stops she can hear the popping and hissing distant flames below and creaking machinery, but even that is muffled like someone has turned the volume down on the world.

Blue flames tear through the air and roar at her and the world itself; a warning to stay away. It's coming from below her, and Shiemi gropes along the railing and sweeps the catwalk with her foot to find the stairs, then stumbles down them toward the fire. "Rin! Yuki!" she calls, but the flashing claps of fire and metallic clashing drowns her out.

They're a shadowplay, illuminated when they volley blue flames and darkened when they dance through the environment, throwing themselves off of, around, and through the lab equipment for cover and distraction. Lost to everyone but each other, they don't hear her cry out again and again -- or her approach the edge of their combat. A ring of fire flares up before she can reach them, but now she can see them better:

"--Yes! If it makes you happy then I'll hate you!" She's only heard Rin sound so angry and heartbroken once before -- the last time he fought his brother. "You're right, Yukio, you are weak!" He slashes and Yuki screams but dodges the next swing by sliding in a neat semicircle around Rin. He brings the butt of his gun down on the back of Rin's head, hard enough to make him stumble, and Yuki shoots him neatly through the back, drilling through his left shoulder blade. When the force knocks Rin off-balance, Yuki kicks him hard enough to force him onto his knees, and then jams the gun's muzzle against the back of Rin's head.

"You're a bad liar," he says in a flat, tired voice. Rin's clutching his chest, growling in pain, but he finds the strength to shake his head.

"You're so weak you couldn't even ask me for help." His voice breaks. "We're not weapons -- we're brothers. Put your gun down, Yukio."

Yuki cocks the hammer of his gun.

Shiemi fires.

Vines and branches ensnare both brothers, wrapping around them so tightly neither can move, and they're held mid-air, looking at each other from across the circle. Shiemi takes a deep breath, hoping that Rin is the one who generated the fire wall, and leaps through the barrier, feeling her skin singe as she hurtles into the space. "Stop it!" she yells, and both boys look at her like they've just realized she exists. "This is enough! Yuki, you're coming home with us! Rin, don't say you hate him!"

She looks to Rin apologetically, seeing his pained look as his eyes follow her walking toward Yuki. She has to stand on tiptoes to reach Yuki and cup his face, making him look at her. He's expressionless -- and she gasps as she realizes he only has one eye now. He looks at her with faint recognition but no emotion. "Yuki, everyone came to help you. Me, Rin, Miss Kirigakure, your students. We all care about you." Yuki swallows. "We're your family. Please come back."

Yuki and she hold eye contact for one lingering moment -- and then fire flares up in her face and she jumps back, covering her eyes as it blinds her. Rin calls for her and suddenly she's in his arms, so dizzy she could throw up. Her vision slowly comes back and by the time it does Yuki is gone, her plants are gone, and Rin is holding her to his chest. "Don't ever do something that stupid again," he chokes, and she shakes her head.

Rin carries her up the stairs, through the lab, and outside where Ikebukuro is burning. She wobbles on her feet but steps back when he tries to grab her again. 

"Moriyama! Okumura!" Ahead of them, Suguro, Izumo, and Koneko are huddled. They're shaky and sluggish, but everyone crosses the overpass to collide in a bruising, needy group hug. When they break apart, Rin drifts away and Shiemi follows him. He's looking out over the city and his demon's heart emerged in all the chaos; it lights his face from below and makes him look like a weary ghoul.

"Rin?" she says and he doesn't respond. "Rin I have an idea." She grabs his hand. "Let's find the Garden of Amahara."

*

Shiemi jolts awake, unsure if she's on the overpass or in bed -- it smells like smoke and she hears heavy breathing and lurches upright. Nee tumbles down her chest, squeaking in surprise, and Rin mumbles when her sudden movement pulls the covers down, but nobody's in danger. In the dark she can make out the dried herbs hanging on one wall and smell the pine branches Izumo gave her when she last visited.

She's home. She's home and beside her Rin pulls the blanket back over him, grumbles when Kuro rolls in his sleep and his two tails lazily flop over Rin's face. Shiemi scoops up Nee and puts him on her shoulder, then she gets out of bed. She walks to the window and tries to find any foreign figures in the darkness. There's no blue glow coming through the trees. She wonders if there ever will be, and if so will Yuki come back to them as family or enemy?

Just once she wants to wants to have a dream of a happier time, like when Yuki tutored her at home and praised her when she passed her first Modern Japanese quiz; when they all went to the beach together; their combined Christmas-and-Birthday party. She spent so little time with him yet his absence is like a scab that won't heal; it's always with her and though it doesn't hurt all the time, when she scrapes it it hurts and bleeds like it did the first time she got wounded.

She wants him to at least call. In her daydreams he sounds relaxed and healed and says he needed time to himself but he's doing much better now. He has a job and a home and he wants to see them again and apologize.

_I'll throw the door wide open, Yuki,_ she thinks. When she looks over her shoulder, she sees Rin's sprawled out and taken up her half of the bed and Midori, copying him, has thrown her blanket off again. _But if you hurt them, I'll throw you right back out._

**II. Pine**

The first time Izumo collapses and can't get back up, she's performing the Divine Summoning. She doesn't have to, but with the Kamiki line ending with her, she suddenly wants to. Mid-motion, her knees lock up, her legs weaken, and she falls and lands on her side, using the last of her strength to keep the ritual fans from touching the ground. She's so cold she can't feel her feet and all she wants is to keep dancing, but she _can't_ and --

"Kamiki?" Suguro is tilted in her vision but she can see the worry plain on his face, the tension in his arms when he comes forward and Uke and Mike stand between him and the raised platform.

"Only she may set foot in this place."

"Well to hell with that! She can't move!"

"Uke, Mike..." Izumo says, but can't finish the command: _Help me._ The wood is hard against the side of her head and the hip she fell on. She's dizzy and wants to rest but she can't fail again and drop her fans. Her eyes close anyway as her familiars' pawsteps approach. One lifts her up -- they took humanoid form just like they used to for Mom -- and she's asleep before they make it inside.

When she wakes up, she's in her bed, wearing a thick sweater and socks and covered in a heavy blanket. She starts when she notices Suguro is seated by her side, eyes closed and body still in meditation. It's either comforting or creepy. "...Were you watching me sleep Suguro?"

"No," he says without opening his eyes. "I've only been here for a few minutes."

"That's still weird."

He opens one eye, shakes his head and sighs. He gives up on his formal seat and rearranges his legs so he's sitting casually. "How do you feel?"

"Fine." He doesn't settle for that and makes her follow his finger with her eyes and quizzes her until he's satisfied she doesn't have a major concussion. She's relieved -- it would embarrass all her ancestresses if the Sixty-Fifth Tamamo died from hitting her head mid-ritual. 

The wannabe Tamamo, she corrects herself. There is no more Killing Stone because she offered it to the Sool in appeasement, so they would see she was serious about giving up everything she had in exchange for the world. Without the Killing Stone and Nine Tails, the Kamiki family has no purpose and it makes sense that she'll die without being dubbed "Tamamo."

She sits up when she feels less dizzy, and asks Suguro, "Why were you watching me?"

"I was curious. You never talk about your family rituals."

"Because they're personal! Do I bug you while you're meditating?"

"All the time."

"Name one time!"

She cuts him off after he lists Incident Number Four. He smirks victoriously, then says, "Listen -- try meditating. You probably won't hit your head doing it." He glances at his mala beads, still held in his right fist, and offers it to her. "Start by using these to count your breaths." He dangles them before her with an insistent look until she huffs and takes them; he fusses that she's not handling them correctly and she snaps back that she's only copying the way he does it. 

She counts to fifty before she loses track and says this is pointless. 

"Practice -- it's not like you to give up so easily." Suguro averts his eyes. "I mean, you still perform that ritual but you want to quit this after one mistake?"

"I'm not quitting; I just don't need these." She offers them back but he shakes his head.

"Keep them -- I have others." He stands up and goes to leave her room. "Wear 'em on your right wrist."

"I know that," she says to his back. She pauses before putting them on; they feel like when he held her hand years ago in Kyoto, and when he dodged her kiss but pressed his cheek to hers and muttered her name like an embarrassed teenager. They pretend both events never happened now; they share a bathroom, meals, and the same fate, but they always turn away before it gets too personal.

Izumo closes her eyes and tries to count again.

*

A year later, Miwa visits them out of the blue and after he leaves, Izumo and Suguro look at each other and the first words out of his mouth are, "Konekomaru's a terrible liar."

"But what is he lying about?"

Suguro crosses his arms and by the way he's staring into the middle-distance, disappointed yet anxious, she guesses he's thinking about the last time a friend lied to him. "I don't know, but I know who to ask." He's packed a bag before she's finished clearing away the dishes. "I'm going back home. Will you be okay by yourself?"

"Of course." Izumo leans back against the counter to support her weight; she can barely feel her feet. "But give me a second to pack and I'll come too."

He waves her off. "No, this isn't something you can help with. Myodha business."

"Don't give me that crap! I'm coming."

"If you want to be useful, stay here and finish reading --" He startles when she steps forward, stumbling into him, and rights herself by grabbing his shoulders. 

"Don't coddle me." She's breathing hard and her arms are weak. "I'll..." Her head lolls to one side, and Suguro embraces her before she goes limp. She's only upright because he's holding her. When she opens her eyes again she's lying amongst the city of books they've built in her living room; Suguro's beside her and without speaking she can guess this is as far as he could take her.

"Kamiki," he finally rasps. "You're not fine alone."

"Do you want to leave?" she asks. She's fighting her eyes to focus, to stay open so she can see his face. "Go home already. I can't..." She's out of breath. She still can't stand the idea of someone sacrificing for her. She knows he's so proud of Myodha and he belongs with them. She knows he misses Kyoto. The beads, the books, the pledge to find a way to save her and Miwa -- she never asked for any of it.

"I need a nap..." he trails off. "So I'll be right here...a bit longer..."

All Izumo can say is "Suguro" before her eyes shut.

**III. Sala**

Master laughs at him when Ryuji explains his bargain with the Sool, and then his plan to find the elixir of life on his own. It's a hard sardonic laugh, sharp then grinding in Ryuji's ears. "How many 'brilliant minds' tried before you? What did we do all of that investigating for if you're just gonna repeat their mistakes?"

"I'm not going to! I won't experiment on innocent people, for start --"

"But will you use their findings?" When Ryuji doesn't answer, Master tilts the brim of his hat up to look at him like he's an ignorant child. "'You can't innovate if all you do is study old books' -- that's how the Order and the Illuminati justified their experiments."

"...If I promise I will never look at their research, will you help me?"

Master shrugs. "I can promise I won't kill you. But it would be inconvenient if my most useful student died, so sure, I'll help."

The next two years are a routine of travel, excuses to his family about why he hasn't come home yet, and lying about how he feels. Everyone in his life (save Konekomaru, Kamiki, and now his Master) believe he was one of the trio afflicted with a random curse that's slowly whittling away his health.

They're before Azazel, cloaked in his storm, when Ryuji is yanked in one direction by an invisible thread and falls on his hands and knees before the King of Spirit. Instinctively, he presses his forehead to the floor in supplication; Master grabs him by the collar and yanks him upright. "Don't embarrass yourself -- the old man was always on our side."

Ryuji looks upward and feels small, powerless, and stupid for being here and thinking he could ask a Demon King for help in betraying his allies. The maelstrom suddenly parts before him, creating an eerily still and quiet corridor before them, and Master pushes him forward. "You first."

When Ryuji steps inside, a wall comes up behind him and he is suddenly alone. He follows the winding stone path to where Azazel's crystallized form rests. "Um. Thank you." He bows deeply because Master isn't here to see it. "I know I asked for so much the last time we met, and I apologize if what I'm about to say offends you --"

_The Sool's strings are slicing you to pieces,_ Azazel intones. _Humanity has always been willing to do anything to survive. I support their right to do so -- but they are to be held accountable for promises they make._

Ryuji is dead. He must be dead; nobody tries to wheedle out of a deal with a god and comes out in one piece. "I am taking responsibility," he pleads. "I lead my friends to the Sool and I might as well have handed their lives over when I offered mine." He claps his palms together and holds them over his heart, fingertips pointed upward in a familiar mudra. "I beseech you to intervene on my behalf and ask the Sool to renegotiate." He yells over the wind: "I want to shoulder the whole burden!"

_You are not enough._

"I know! But I want to try!"

_You are not enough to convince_ Shemihaza. _Whatever you gave last time, the Sool will want more. There is one thing I can think of that Shemihaza desires._

"What?" Last time, Ryuji gave away Myodha's last sacred treasures, pried from every sister temple and every childhood memory he cherished. Dad just smiled and said 'What can you do? We're all here and that's what matters!' but Ryuji wanted to vomit. He could never, ever go back home.

_His youngest descendant. You know her._

"Who --" and he falls silent when his subconscious mind offers the answer. Kamiki and Konekomaru went to the Grigori to save Moriyama. Moriyama who can revive the dead. For a moment he contemplates what that means: Moriyama loves all of them; Moriyama has a life; Moriyama is no longer human and who's to say she'll always want to live as one? 

Kamiki and Konekomaru deserve to live too, don't they?

He swallows, gags, and then says, "Thank you for your time. I can't offer that."

The walk back is a slog. Before Master can say anything Ryuji says, "He said no," and goes to leave before him.

*

Konekomaru is the first person he sees when he returns home. They don't even go inside Toraya; Ryuji throws his arms around him and squeezes until Konekomaru croaks 'Bon!' so Ryuji loosens his grip but doesn't stop hugging. "I tried." He wants to cry like he did when he was 10 and Shima's brothers had just saved both of them from drowning. Back then he opened his mouth to say he was okay and what came out was keening and apologies that he put Shima in danger.

"Bon..." Konekomaru's hand is warm on Ryuji's back. Later when they're alone, his voice is just as gentle yet unnerved when he asks, "You did what?" When Ryuji explains it again, Konekomaru apologizes before slapping the back of Ryuji's head. "Why would I want to live without you!? I'm supposed to protect you!"

Ryuji rubs the back of his head but he's abashed when he admits, "I never saw you two that way. How are you so smart but you don't understand that?" He hits Konekomaru back and nearly knocks him over. Ryuji wonders if Shima would laugh or gape if he could see them now.

"Why did you turn Azazel down then?" Konekomaru's tone is curious, not accusatory.

"He said Shemihaza would only accept Moriyama in exchange."

Konekomaru stares at him wide-eyed, before giving a fragile, thin smile and saying, "Then I think you made the right choice Bon."

*

Ryuji is surprised he woke up. When his eyes shut, the thought crossed his mind that maybe he was getting a peaceful death -- falling asleep with Kamiki and never waking again. He blinks until his one sighted eye clears and he rolls to his side to look at her. She's so still and cold when he touches her that he stops breathing. He tries to joke with himself that it's just like her to go off on her own, but he wants to gag again until his hand drifts to her neck and he pushes until he finds her pulse.

"Kamiki," he urges. "Wake up, you pain in the ass." He shakes her shoulder. "You said you were gonna memorize 'The Heart Sutra.' It's not hard. Don't pretend to be dying to get out of it." She won't flutter an eyelid or sigh. "Kamiki. What comes after this: '...and also no ending of old age and death; no suffering, cause of suffering, cessation, path...?'"

Picking lines from the beginning, the end, or the inescapable 'Form is emptiness...' would be too easy. She doesn't like when he makes it easy for her.

"'...no wisdom and...'" She moans. "Shut up, I'm tired."

He kneels over her and grabs her shoulders, rocking rather than shaking her. "Look at me. 'No wisdom' and what?"

She opens her eyes and they're clear but irate. "'--and no attainment. Since there is nothing to attain.'" She puts a hand to her forehead, squeezes her temples, and continues, "'The Bodhisattva lives by _Prajna Paramitta_ \--'"

"'--with no hindrance in the mind; no hindrance and there no fear--'" Ryuji talks over her half in excitement and half in fear, and she holds up a hand but they speak the last line together:

"'Far beyond delusive thinking right here is Nirvana.'"

It's not until Kamiki blinks at him and raises her eyebrows that he realizes he's grinning at her. 

*

When he's fifteen, Ryuji meets the most obnoxious, arrogant girl he's ever known in his life. She laughs at his ambition to defeat Satan; he embarrasses her in front of their Verses teacher by loudly coughing the correct line or phrasing she fumbled. They disagree with each other even when they're on the same side. He calls her cold and she calls him pigheaded.

The Impure King infects Kyoto and she risks her life to help him save his home and family.

She's kidnapped and experimented on by the Illuminati and it's not a question that he'll rescue her.

They scream at each other over the sounds of gunshots, fire, and demonic cries, saying this is all the other's fault. Two years later they apologize in whispers exchanged in the dark.

He swears he'll save her again; she tells him to get out of her house and go live his life.

When he's twenty-five, Ryuji knows a stubborn, prideful woman who loves her familiars, her friends, and her shrine. She wants to practice the Kamiki traditions until they die with her. She laughs at his fear of thunder. She will argue with him until the day they part.

"Truth or dare?" she asks him the same night they recite the Heart Sutra together. They sit across from each other on the floor, surrounded by the books that won't help them.

"Truth."

She fidgets and brushes her hair over one shoulder. "Have you ever been kissed?"

"No." He chuckles. "That's what you wanted to ask?"

She ignores him and smirks, but her face is flushed. "I knew it." She flicks her bangs out of her face. "Just give me a dare."

"No way. Truth: Have you?"

"No." She folds her arms. "B-But why should that be embarrassing? Paku makes fun of me but..." She shakes her head and glowers at his chest.

He coughs and looks at his lap; he didn't realize he's folded his hands into the meditation mudra out of nervousness. "Do you want to be?"

When they lean in, he meets her first with a quick dry peck, and when he goes to pull away she grabs his forearms and kisses him hard -- again and again until they can't breathe. 

**IV. Blue Lotus**

Shima feels like he's under a net; moving his body is too much effort, even to turn his head toward the voices above him. Listening is troublesome, yet someone is shouting his name as if he'll respond --

"Shima!"

He opens his eyes and Koneko is bent over him. His right arm is in a sling against his chest and he wears different glasses now and -- aaaaand he's bawling and throws himself on top of Shima.

"Koneko -- you're -- ugh don't get snot all over me --" Shima pats his back and waits for him to cry himself out. They could pretend they're kids again; everything can go back to normal.

Shima closes his eyes and laughs at the thought.


	5. Help This Blackbird

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title from Kate Bush's "Waking the Witch." For #132: Bandage. With this we're all caught up with what I wrote in 2018 so it'll be a bit before the next update. Thank you for reading!

**I. Azalea**

Konekomaru brought Shima back. With a magic circle and an immoral bargain, he brought back a Shima with permanent dark circles, who never eats, rarely sleeps, and watches people in crowds like a raptor. When Konekomaru talks about Myodha, Shima acknowledges it but doesn't seem interested -- no, like he doesn't quite realize Myodha was his home too, so the words mean nothing to him. 

He tilts his head when Konekomaru asks where he's been the last few years. "You know," he says with a dazed smile, like he's trying to deflect Bon's suspicion that he didn't do his homework again, "It's a boring story."

He's quick to call on Yamantaka and sear any other demons that cross them out of existence. "Shima, it wasn't hurting anyone!" Konekomaru protests once, and Shima, still digging his black flame-tipped K'rik into the dirt where a living demon once was, replies, "I know."

The road back to True Cross is long and Konekomaru isn't sure what he's bringing with him.

*

Konekomaru loves Myo-o Dharani. He knows he's given it up forever by doing what he did, so he chants selections from the services by himself, when Shima's gone to wherever he will.

"'All my past deeds,'" he begins, head bowed and his left hand going through the motions with invisible beads, "'Originating from greed, hatred, and ignorance are products of my own physical, verbal, and mental misdeeds.'"

He hears Shima return to the house they're squatting in, take his boots off, complain about the heat. Konekomaru exhales as the footsteps approach.

"Well don't let me bug you, Koneko," Shima says and sits down, sprawling out. He could never stand formal seat, he'd complain his knees were stiff or he had cramps after a few minutes. "Do you remember everything?"

"Most of it." Bon knows it all; Konekomaru misses when he, Shima, and Bon's voices would harmonize as they chanted the sutras at services. Shima would say the first line and then mouth the rest until Bon pinched the inside of his elbow, so Shima would plead with Konekomaru to sit in between them. (Bon's solution was kind compared to what Shima's brothers would do.)

Shima chuckles. "That's like you. Go on."

"'I repent all wrongdoings committed by my body, mouth and mind.'" Konekomaru eyes Shima. And he does -- yes, he does repent.

Shima snaps his fingers a few times. "The next one is..."

"'Three Jewels.'"

"Oh, totally. 'We put our faith in Buddha.'" He gives a thumbs-up. "I would always fall asleep after this part."

"You remember?" Konekomaru asks, excitement rising in his chest, but Shima just shuts his eyes and continues:

"'May we all together realize Buddhahood to attain awakening.'" Shima gestures as if prompting the next line, but then he comes up with them himself, ending with, "'May we all together be of One in accord and harmony and live the life of Universal Brotherhood.'"

Outside a summer breeze moves the big tree they can see from the window; inside Konekomaru lets himself hope and peer through the older Shima to see his young friend beneath. "'I take refuge in the Three Jewels.'" 

Shima joins him in saying, "'Buddham saranam gacchami.'"

*

"Do ya think Izumo would be happy to see me?" Shima asks on the train. He's smirking like he already knows the answer.

Konekomaru starts at her name, both out of the sharp reminder that he can't avoid everyone else forever and that Shima brought up anyone else of his own volition. "...It's been a long time," he says. "Everyone's grown up a lot. I think they'd talk to you." He looks out the window and the countryside rushes by.

"Meeting them would be troublesome right now," Shima murmurs and nods to himself. "But I bet she's still cute. I'd like to see her sometime."

"We will," Konekomaru says. He breathes, clears his mind, and meditates until they reach their stop.

**II. Blue Lotus**

Shima wishes he could remember Kyoto. It's his hometown, but his recollection of it is a handful of tourist's snapshots now: Chasing Juu and Kin down a back street in a game of Tag; sulking in the corner the day Mom and Dad brought Yumi home; the Most High Priest's wide-open mouth and hoarse laugh at Shima's joke.

He knows Konekomaru is his friend; he knows everyone Konekomaru mentions were important to them. But everyone are silhouettes in his mind now. Izumo pops in once, then disappears like a ripple in water.

He hasn't told Konekomaru it's this bad; he smiles and nods along with the stories and asks more questions than he answers. He doesn't take off his jacket and he bathes and dresses alone. In the bathroom he reveals his neck, wrapped in cloth bandages, and unravels them slowly until the scar from the Sylph bell is visible. It looks like someone tried to rip an iron collar off of him over his head. It doesn't hurt when he pokes it, but it's so unnatural it's uncomfortable to look at. Shima wishes he could remember why he has this scar, or what happened to him to leave it.

"This is bad, isn't it," he says to the mirror, and Yamantaka is silent save the black flicker in Shima's eyes.

**III. Pine**

Izumo and Suguro got into karuta because Suguro read all of her manga over the course of one winter together, and one day dropped a relevant pile before her and said he wanted to learn karuta. They didn't have a reader at the time so they settled for memorizing the tanka on a deck they found at a market.

Now that they're in Kyoto they've recruited Mamushi as their reader, a task she seems to enjoy as it's an excuse to get away from her family. (Rokuzou and Tatsuzou seem sweet but completely exhausting, as they're Shimas.)

"'On a night as long--'" she says, and before the second line is done they both slap their hands over the right card.

"I touched it first!"

"I did!"

"Who won?" Suguro asks Mamushi, and she smiles and says, "Kamiki."

"Ha!"

They have to quit before long as Mamushi notices the time and announces that, unfortunately, she should check on her husband with the boys. Suguro offers to walk her home and she accepts but not before sending him to ask his mother for some eggs she can borrow. When they're alone she looks at Izumo approvingly and says, "When we were in school, Juuzo always fought with me about who would get the better exam scores."

Izumo busies herself picking up the cards. She won't admit it but she won't deny it either. "That guy is a sore loser." So did Suguro, she doesn't say.

"All men are," Mamushi agrees before turning to go. "For the record, I always won."

"So do I."

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [With Time We Change](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27202102) by [Hadrian_Pendragons](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hadrian_Pendragons/pseuds/Hadrian_Pendragons)




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